www.jokes.com

www.newjokes.com

Computer Jokes

Acronyms For Computer World

10. APPLE - Arogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
9.  BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
8.  CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
7.  COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
6.  IBM -I Blame Microsoft / It's Better Manually
5.  MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
4.  OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
3.  PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
2.  WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
1.  WWW - World Wide Wait!

The Top Six Reasons Computers are Female
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message 'Bad Command or File Name' is about as informative as 'If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you'.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!

Take what you want

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, 'Where did you get
such a great bike?'
The second IT guy replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,'Take what you want.'
The first IT guy nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit.'

Ultimate
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
'This', he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it'.
At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.
'Where is my father'? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words 'Fishing off Florida'. Clever Dick laughed.'Actually', he said, 'my father is dead'! It had been a tricky question!! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again? Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, 'Where is my mother's husband'? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida'.

Big Bar

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: 'Hello. I can't get on the network.'
Tech Support: 'Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage.'
Customer: 'What is that?'
Tech Support: 'That little barcode on the front of your computer.'
Customer: 'Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ...'
 God & Computer
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And fromthose he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

Shiva &Win 2000
Why are shiva and parvathi unable to use the computer running on Windows 2000?
B'coz Ganesha ran away with the Mouse.

I know Password
One day one men was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, 'I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!'
'What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, 'Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!'

Little Johny Jokes

Little Johnny in Grade Three
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for little Johnny.
As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the
students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few
mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny however, did extremely well he counted past 50, right
up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told
his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Arkansas, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite
the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through
without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but little Johnny rattled
off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged
to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you
are from Arkansas, son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed
overly "well-endowed." This confused him. That night he told his
dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger
than theirs. Is that because I'm from Arkansas?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

Priest 

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices
our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house
across the street.
However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too
high for him to reach.
After watching Little Johnny efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the
little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which Little Johnny replies, "Now we run!"

Sweet memories

The teacher was enthusiastically encouraging the third grade class to buy
the class photographs.
"Just think," she said, "Years from now you can look at this photo and
say--look there's Joey--he's a doctor and look there's Mary--she's a
lawyer."
Little Johnny chimes in and says, "Yeh and look--there's the teacher--she's
DEAD!"

Punishment

Johnny and his father were walking through the park. Johnny suddenly killed
a bee. Johnny's father said "son since you killed that bee you shall not get
any honey for a year" Him and Johnny started walking again then Johnny
killed a butterfly. Johnny's father said to him "son since you killed that
butterfly you shall not get and butter for a year" When Johnny and his
father got home Johnny's mother had dinner on the table waiting for them.
They all sat down and Johnny's mother saw a cockroach on the floor. She
picked up her shoe and killed it. Johnny said " dad should I tell
her??.......

Stupid indeed

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
Little Johnny replied,
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."